these few days tormented me. ____________________________________
but i felt the contentment i never would have if i didnt go thru all these torment.
so much brought us together. so much tried to tear us apart but here we are still standing. so much unspoken conflict between us yet to be solved. but we hid it rly well and we could stil go on. they way we stand up for each other, protected each other, gave our views and solved problems together. so many people came and go, only four of us are left. then they came and taught us so much. nonsense. as well as worldy wise words. im glad they came into all our lives. i know things are not that simple and happy as they would seem right now, just now standing in the toilet, and the times we meet before and after papers. so much had happened that glued us tight together. i want to hold on and not let go.
but i knw it's not possible.
cos those unspoken conflicts have to be solved.
those things we hid from each other have to be told.
i see unhappiness coming. i see people breaking down. i see the worst scenarios i can ever imagine.
but let's not let it affect this whole week.
for this would be the last.
it rly would be.
been experiencing moments of elation recently. yeah, just moments.
just now on the bus with you, although we were on a sensitive issue, i felt the contentment. i wonder if you did. thanks for pulling me away. i didnt felt it just now. i do now. you did a good job, and did it right. i wouldnt know how to face it myself if i werent with you.
hey all of you. please dont misunderstand. i miss you guys as much as you guys do. why do you doubt me after knowing me for such a long time.. you know it's hurting to see you ignore me straight in my face? and why of all times, now? i may not seem to be with you all, but i stil care, i stil ask, and i stil want to care. i almost gave up, i swear i almost did. after seeing your attitude towards me, my heart just..shattered. it rly hit me hard. but i had to sit thru the whole paper.. holding my tears back.
you know, it's hard to balance two. and i wont give up any sides. i wont. we knw how much we've gone thru together. why would i give you all up so easily? just dont show it to me that one day, i dont belong to you guys anymore, and i wont leave.
come on, im novabelle. do i look like i would? :D
sometimes i want you there to just hear me rant and rant and rant and rant like how you did last saturday. i dont know why. but i dont have free outgoing, and you wont call me in the near future. i dont wish to bother you too much as well, to avoid any possible misunderstandings. cos im not who youre supposed to talk to, not the one you're supposed rant to in the first place. you're just one of them who's not involved in everything in my life, who can see things much clearer than myself.
owner.
sorry i have so much to say. but i cant say it over sms, it's too much; i cant talk to you over the phone, nor can i meet you. so here goes.
you said i've grew up. i dont think i have, til i stop being dependent on you.. it's too much i know. i rly ever did thought of ..letting you go. it's of no particular reason, except that i felt i was a burden in your life. and if i would have just walked away.. lesser things would be on your mind. since you're even prepared to let me go. it was just a random thought after listening to ge qian. but it got more and more realistic as time went by..
you forgave me time and again when i betrayed you, when i broke promises, didnt you. and perhaps i just didnt know how to appreciate? until things got bad, then i stupidly realised. i dont know how hard those hit you. you didnt show any signs at all.
sometimes i think to myself.. where in your heart, have i been pushed to?
sometimes i think if i end all these, it'll hurt both of us less. or maybe me. cos i rly dont know how you feel.
but it's not your fault at all. it's not anyone's.. it's just the way things are. and if things rly prove that we'r meant to stay by each other, it'll show in time to come.
today was an emo day.
with mosquitoes around me outside the library.
but knots are a little looser than before.
and i'm thankful for that.
just that.